Sex made easy

“Us Portuguese have a pretty impoverished erotic imagination. We think very little about sex. We fantasize very little – particularly women”.

“We have a culture where sex is considered something “wrong” – where it’s not correct to say “penis” or “vagina”. Sex continues to be a taboo. An uncomfortable subject”, sexologist Vânia Beliz tells.

She’s been discussing this cultural heritage in her consulting rooms for the last three years. “When I started, I thought I’d be treating a lot of sexual dysfunctions – in the case of men, erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation; with women, the difficulty of attaining orgasm. But actually this isn’t what has happened at all. The people I tend to see most are those who want to clear doubts and concerns they have over their own sexual practices”.

“There’s a lot of information about sexuality that circulates among friends, but which doesn’t correspond to reality”, she explains.

In her Masters thesis «Forms of female masturbation and coital orgasm», Vânia interviewed 2527 Portuguese women. It was a pioneering study, lead by university lecturer Nuno Monteiro Pereira (a well-known urologist and sexologist).

Despite the fact that most of those interviewed had been to university, or had a higher education, and were all relatively young, “it was interesting to discover that 10 per cent of women can’t identify exactly where their clitoris is”.

Regarding the people that seek Vânia Beliz out, very few are referred by their GPs. The majority come “on their own initiative. The most common age range is 30-plus – and I get a lot of couples at the phase where their first child has arrived. It’s a phase where, normally, there’s a cooling down in the sexual relationship”.

“90 per cent of people coming to me are men” – which is curious in a society where the man is considered the stronger sex.

Sometimes she gets “situations involving men with fetishes that are hard to resolve. Imagine if you could only achieve orgasm if the woman you were with wore a nurse’s uniform?” Otherwise, men come seeking ways of satisfying (usually much younger) partners.

A frequent problem is “when a man fails to come, and then starts to lack confidence. When this happens, women can go crazy. In the old days, women didn’t complain, but now they’re much more demanding.”

Signs of the times? “In the past, a woman almost couldn’t talk about satisfaction. It was considered wrong – and it wasn’t thought of as a priority within a couple”. Sex was seen as the means for procreation. Today “can you name any women’s magazine that doesn’t discuss sexual satisfaction for women?” There are even magazines that recommend infidelity!” as a way of achieving sexual pleasure.

“When I question women who have difficulty in achieving orgasm, I ask them how they stimulate their own desire for sex? Do they read an erotic book? Think about it: when you go shopping and pass a bakery, the smell of fresh baked bread makes us want to eat – so, it’s obvious that we also want to stimulate our sexual desire by opening up our appetite. But, if you don’t even think about the subject, I don’t think the spontaneous desire appears”.

If this is the problem, sexology has no qualms in recommending pornographic films by actresses like the Swedish Erika Lust – whose movies are aimed more at women. “It’s very different from going to «Youporn» and clicking on a video that shows a gardener knocking at the door, and then stuffing his penis into someone”, she elaborates.

But it’s curious to discover that Vânia Beliz collaborates with a sex-shop. “Imagine that you wrote to me saying you’d like to give your wife a present. Before selling you a vibrator, I would have to ask some questions. If she prefers oral sex, I’d recommend a product that’s placed on the clitoris and then licked (it tastes good)”, she continues. “If people want a change from the norm, you can’t necessarily introduce something new straight away. You can’t offer a double vibrator to a couple that is easily embarrassed”.

When it comes to couples’ happiness, Beliz gives some advice. “The habit of couples using the bathroom at the same time makes no sense to me at all. A woman doesn’t need to remove her tampon in front of her partner”, she advises.

“When we meet at the beginning of a relationship, we all think of each other as beautiful. But, then we begin to see the hairs, and bogeys in our partners’ noses. There are those who don’t worry about that, and think it’s perfectly fine to fart in bed. But these are really things one shouldn’t share”.

Vânia Beliz is an apologist for sexual education. And the best age to start is when “children start showing interest.”

She’s already given some talks voluntarily at schools in the Algarve, Alentejo and Lisbon area – talks on the sort of questions pupils like “to see answered”. “For example, in primary schools, children still like to know how babies are made. Sometimes, they know it has to do with a seed from the father and a seed from the mother – but they don’t really know how it all comes together”.

So why don’t their parents tell them? “There’s still the attitude that if we talk about things, we might be initiating them”, she explains. But continuous silence doesn’t work, either.

“We’re seeing more and more what you’d call “eroticised” girls these days. It’s totally common for a 15 or 16-year-old to say that she’s bisexual on her hi5 site, and appear in photos locked round her girlfriends. It’s the latest trend.” And you think it’s OK? “No. At the time when we’re trying to construct our sexual identity, we’re entitled to try everything – but I don’t think it’s healthy to share all that on social networking sites, in full view of everyone”, she says. “I’m concerned by the whole frantic exaggeration involved, as if it was all fine and easy”.

Beliz gives consultations in Vilamoura, in a dental clinic “precisely so that people feel relaxed. They can say they’re going to the dentist – when really they’re going to see a sexologist” she smiles.

So, in the end, sex is still a taboo…